The idea of working for life is a horrible thing to look forward to. Just to be able to pay for tuition and other shit this year alone, I’m exhausted at the end of every day and can barely do anything else (aside from working and driving) with the energy I have left. Why do I need to push myself to daily headaches and no room for a life outside of the job site, just for the ability to survive? It seems wasteful, I could be a great mind for writing or art (that’s just being wishful of course, but never know what the future could or would have brought), and yet to be able to use that full potential I would almost be penniless, and existence I would rather not sacrifice as I’ve lived in comfort for much too long to let it go willingly. It’s what we are all striving for, a life of comfort, conditioned to believe it’s what we all need. And I believe it honestly, anything less wouldn’t feel like the same life I’ve had before, and even writing that I can feel contempt for those words. I’m lucky, I know it, and so many others suffer just to reach towards it.
In the last few months I’ve been paying more attention to this particular topic, and while feeling grateful, the need to reach out, to help, grows. This influx of apathy is so confusing; I’m barely making ends meet for myself to stay within my own limits of comfort (which I’ve learned are much smaller than I thought they would be), and I want to help. Just thinking of this post, a lot of it is I, I , I… human nature is to be selfish for your own well-being, this I believe entirely, and yet… sigh, lots of thinking that needs to be sorted out! Thinking just leads to going in circles with the same thoughts, waiting for that break to get out and go on the straight-away again.