I’ve awoken in terror the past few nights, but that’s the curse of knowing.  It haunts my dreams, the place where I’m supposed to escape, not fear the next days ahead. Asia will be put down. That probably doesn’t mean a lot to many, but the decision had to be made for this beautiful, friendly (sometimes) and sweet horse. I’m one of many that takes care of her, and that might be why it’s so difficult for me.

I was present when another horse was put to sleep – it’s part of taking in many older horses, to make good of their last few years and extend their happiness. I can still feel everything from that day so clearly, the image of her lying down for a final rest, the world quiet and peaceful for a few moments. It was the only time I’ve seen that, but I know it’s happened for many other loved animals before, including a few I personally cared about like they were my own.

And now it’s Asia’s turn. She’s old, and not in good shape, but it’s still so hard to see her go. I think of everything that makes her unique; the way her morning calls sound like a motor turning over, her impatience and messy stall (every stall she’s been in), how she’s a lazy but trusted ride, and everything else that I can’t describe but just know it’s Asia. I think of her end this week, but also everyone else’s: Glory, Cheyanne, Legacy… too many to count (and I’m the younger generation). With her goes another piece of my heart through a kiss on her nose I gave her at our last meeting.

I dreamed of a family member’s death last night, and the only chance I had to hold on was voluntarily (by them) taken away. Lucid dreaming, or the ability to control dream events, is something I can accomplish easily, but this one slipped beyond any moves I could play, and there was nothing to do but accept it.. in my own head! My body and mind betray me, and I must wait, mourn and let it pass away with time.

As long as I can see her, she’s still there. They all are. I never knew how true this was until the last few years, and I truly believe it so. They’re still here.